A Punny "Medical" Dictionary
Here are definitions you will not find in any reputable medical dictionary.
These terms were gathered from across the world wide web, punny conversations
while spending several weeks in the hospital, and from other patients.
Enjoy!
Mammogram: a telegram to your mother.
Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane.
Minor operation: coal digging
Morbid: A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates.
Node: Was aware of.
Oral contraception: Occurs when one of the participants in a planned sexual liaison decide to stop the action based on what they are hearing come out of the mouth of the other participant.
Organ transplant: what you do to your piano when you move.
Organic: organ repairman
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Outpatient: A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear: A fatherhood test.
Paralyze: two far-fetched stories.
Pathology: study of roadmaps.
Pathological: a reasonable way to go.
Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.
Pharmacist: person who makes a living dealing in agriculture.
Post Operative: A letter carrier.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Protein: in favor of young people
Psychologist: A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.
Rectitude: The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
Rectum: Darn near killed him.
Red blood count: Dracula
Rheumatic: amorous
Rhinoplasty: charge card for the zoo.
Saline: where you go on your boyfriend’s boat.
Scar: rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion: Hiding something.
Seizure: Roman emperor.
Serology: study of English knighthood.
Shin: device for finding furniture in the dark.
Shock treatment: That mind-numbing moment when you look at your latest medical bill.
Short-sightedness: Not having taken out more medical insurance.
Side effect: Having to sell a kidney to cover your bill.
Skeleton: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
Sterile solution: not using the elevator during a fire.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
Stye: Normally a place where pigs and teenagers live.
Sudafed: Brought litigation against a government official.
Surgery: reason to get an uninterruptible power supply.
Tablet: A small table.
Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.
Testicle: A humorous question on an exam.
Tolerance: what you get after giving growth hormone to ants.
Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.
Triple bypass: better than a quarterback sneak.
Tumor: More than one.
Ultrasound: a loud noise
Urinate: what a nurse says to patient in room eight.
Urine: Opposite of “you're out”.
Varicose: Nearby, close by.
Vein: Conceited
Warfarin: rat poison ingested by humans to prevent blood clots (okay, this one isn’t so funny)
Weak: seven days
Willy-nilly: Impotent.
Wrinkles: Something other people have. You have character lines.
Adenoma: what you say to your mother when you don’t know the answer.
Aerobe: a garment worn around the house.
Alimentary: what Holmes said to Watson.
Alzheimer's disease: Ahhh...ummm...sorry, it's gone again.
Amenorrhoea: The result of spending too much time in Church.
Anally: occurring yearly
Antepartum: when your father’s sister goes home.
Antibodies: against everyone; things uncles are familiar with
Arrhythmia: People with this condition find it impossible to sing or play a musical instrument.
Artery: The study of paintings.
Atonic: goes with your gin
Auto-immunity: The resistance to car dealers’ loud TV commercials.
Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.
Bandages: the Rolling Stones, the Who
Barium: What you do if CPR fails.
Benign: What an eight-year-old wants to be.
Blood Count: Dracula
Botulism: tendency to make mistakes.
Bowel: a letter like a, e, i, o, or u.
Buccal: does up your belt
Bunion: Paul’s surname
Candidiasis: A psychological condition in which the sufferer can not help but tell the truth.
Cardiac: someone crazy about old cars.
Cardiology: Advanced study of poker playing.
Carpal: people who drive to work together.
Castrate: market price for setting a fracture.
Cat scan: Searching for kitty.
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.
Cerebral hemorrhage: The thinking man's hemorrhage.
Cesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome.
Chemo Brain: condition of forgetfulness patients attribute to chemotherapy treatment.
Chiropractor: an Egyptian doctor
Club-foot: The inevitable result of too many nights on the dance-club floor. Remedy: marriage.
Colic: A sheep dog.
Coma: A punctuation mark.
Congenital: friendly
Coronary: domesticated yellow bird
Cortisone: the local courthouse
Cystogram: a cable sent to your sister
D & C: Where Washington is.
Diarrhea: journal of running events
Dilate: To live too long.
Enema: Not a friend.
Enteritis: a penchant for burglary.
ER: the things on your head you hear with.
Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Fatigue: desire for naps, not army apparel.
Fester: Quicker than someone else.
Fibula: A small lie.
Flatulence: Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
Ganglia: a very tall, thin person
Genes: blue denim slacks
Genital: Non-Jewish person.
Genotype: the kind of girl Gino likes.
G. I. Series: World Series of military baseball.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Hangnail: What you hang your coat on.
Hemorrhoid: a male from outer space
Herpes: what women do in the ladies room.
Hippocampus: a medical school where even a hippo can pass
Hysteria: The funniest illness of them all.
ICU: peek-a-boo
Impotent: Distinguished, well known.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Interferon: gets in the way of cancer and provides that year-round flu feeling
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Inpatient: tired of waiting
Intern: one after another
Intestine: currently taking an exam
Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.
Liver: a person who lives on and on.
Lymph: To walk with a lisp.